By The Way I Still Hate You
by Angel of Music lover
Summary: These are just some thoughts of Satine... lots of denial... :D Anyway... please take a look if you're able! Hopefully a little different than others...


**A/N: Hey guys… this is a new story from me that I wrote late at night because the idea of it was keeping me from sleeping. Please read and enjoy! (Congrats to those who can figure out whose perspective this is in)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Moulin Rouge… boy that Christian though… what if I said I owned him but didn't? A gal can dream right?**

I _hate _what you do to me. In front of anyone else I can easily hide behind a mask and pretend that everything is okay even if it isn't. As soon as I see you though I can't hide. You make me smile true smiles and cry real tears. I hate the uncertainty that comes with real emotions. When I talk to you I don't know what to say or how to act and when you say my name it's like I'm hearing it for the first time. God… you make me forget my own name! I'm used to always being in control, always being the one to make the moves, and making them eat from the palm of my hand and loving it. But all you have to do is smile with a twinkle in your eye and I'm wrapped around your finger. What's frustrating is that you don't even know what you do to me… your so oblivious!

I _hate _the thoughts you've put in my head. I don't remember a time when I've dreamed of real love and finding a man who actually knows my name before you. I've only thought of the money and diamonds I'm making here. Now you've put these… fantasies in my head that are starting to thaw my courtesan heart! A fantasy of a real house with kids laughing and playing in the yard and even a small gold ring around my fourth finger. Geez… I never even thought of marriage and rebuked the very idea of it! Marriage doesn't really fit a "Diamond Dog's" image does it… Harold kept me very far away from couples and love. But now I want this with you more than anything and I _hate _that.

I _hate _this lurch my heart makes when I see you and I _hate _how my stomach flips whenever you are around me. The first time it happened I thought I was dying! I _hate _the way your name just rolls off my tongue and the way it leaves this sweet taste in my mouth. You can look me square in the eye and see right through to my soul. It makes me light headed and nervous when you do that because no one else has ever been able to do that… which I was just fine with. It makes me afraid and vulnerable because compared to you my soul is tattered and stained… you are so pure.

What I hate the most about this whole situation though is that I love what you've done to me. I hate that I make excuses to say your name because of how wonderful it sounds. I hate how I'm glad when you see past my painful mask because then I don't have to pretend. I hate that I feel so comfortable in your embrace because it's warm. I've been cold for so long that I forgot how lovely a simple thing like warmth is. I hate that I've dreamed of marrying you and loving you forever on several occasions. I even hate the way you smell so nice to me in the mornings… that wonderful scent that is completely unique and indescribable and I just want to spend a life time waking up to that scent. I especially loath how wonderful of a kisser you are. As much as I deny it I love the change you brought me. Now that I've experienced love I never want it to end and I hate that!

Being with you is like riding a terrifying merry-go-round. It spins faster and faster and even though I'm dizzy and sick I never want it to end. The ride spins me so hard that I'm blinded and deafened from everything around me. I'm not in control of myself and I laugh at the thrill of the unknown. My quiet giggles of pleasure soon change to wild hysterics… I shriek and laugh and cry at the same time. The ride goes ever faster until I can feel the stains of my broken soul are ripped away so I can feel worthy of you. This feeling is so miraculous and I try to think of a word that describes what I'm feeling and then I know. The word I'm looking for is _free. _This feeling of all the weight being lifted from shoulders is so wonderful… I'm not only laughing out loud by laughing inside too. Inside and out I'm so free and I don't want to be trapped anymore. I don't want to go back into the life of security that I've been accustomed to. Now you're on the dizzying ride with me and I feel you pull me closer to you. You're so close now that I can hear your breath coming in excited and breathless quivers. And I know that you are holding me to keep me from slipping… to fall off would mean to go back to what I was. A worthless courtesan who's only experience of love is sleeping with a man that cries out a different name that your own.

I look in your eyes and I'm at peace. I'm free from the chains that tie me to the Moulin Rouge and the Sparkling Diamond. I forget about all of my other duties except for the ones to my heart. I see you and I want to throw my head back and sing up to those jealous angels in heaven, with their silly harps and useless wings, and tell them that I love you and nothing fate deals us can change that. I want to sing to them how they can keep their eternal life and peace because I've got mine right here on Earth… and it's you. You gave me a reason to go on living… you gave me a reason to love again. I realize now how far gone I was before I met you and I am forever in debt to you for what you've done. I love you! I can't say it enough! I love you, I love you, I love you! I really do love you with all of my heart and soul… though even that is not enough to offer you.

By the way… I still hate you.

**A/N: I love writing one shots for Moulin Rouge… anyways… please review and tell me if it was any good!**


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